I moved in with my father in 2003. I cared for my mom who was very sick. She had kidney problems, was diabetic and had dementia. I did her dialysis at home for six months. She got sicker, and passed on June 6, 2004. He was with me when I did all her dialysis treatments and would wake me up when the machine was not working or if she needed to go to the bathroom.
For months we saw her fading away. In 2006, my dad got sick. I took him to the doctor, and the doc told me that he had prostate cancer. They did radiation for 8 weeks. As his treatment went on, I saw signs of his forgetfulness. I informed the doctor, and he ran a test. He and told me my dad had Alzheimer's. My dad was hardly ever sick; he was a very strong man even today. But slowly, I can see the toll on him.
He goes into his childhood memories and work-related jobs. At 2 or 3 a.m., he wakes up and talks a lot. He fights and wants to go home. I ask him where home is. No one can answer this. I always thought that home was where he came from, but it's not. I think in my mind, home is in heaven. But I am not sure. I cry myself to sleep at times for at least an hour or two. But it seems that I just can not rest because I worry what he is going to go through again; each night, it's different.
Each day comes to be more confusing for me. I worry that I will go through this ugly disease. I am scared for all the people that go through this. As a caregiver, it is real tough that no one can put themselves in our shoes or ever know how our mind's work. That's what I think.
Everyone tells me, "Oh, you are going to be blessed for all that you have done." But yet I think that the day will never come because in my heart, I feel so angry and alone; it's like what I image my father would go through.
If I had one wish, it would be that I die and not ever have to let my family or kids see what I saw as a caregiver. May God help me and all the people that go through this awful time in their life. I think that no one really knows if they are in a lot of pain or what they even feel. When I see my father give me a smile, I see so much life in him that I just cry. I think I could write a book of all these thoughts I have in my mind. Help us all dear God - pray for us all.