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Give MonthlyJournalist and Author Rachel McRady Rewrites Her Grandfather's Dementia Battle
He was tall and tan and had a thick mustache. He never met a single stranger, and while he could be reserved, when he stepped into a room, people noticed.
He had the booming voice of a clergyman, and often when he'd say the blessing before meals, it felt like the length of a sermon.People called him "Big John," less for his size and more for his larger-than-life personality. Every meal my mother ever made was "the greatest meal" he'd ever eaten. He'd enter a restaurant and introduce you to every member of the staff, who clearly knew and loved him.
So when he started exhibiting signs of dementia in the eight years prior to his death in 2017, it was jarring to see such a big presence flicker. It started with forgetfulness and blossomed into unexpected anger, often geared toward his son, my father, who served as his primary advocate. When my grandmother, his wife of 73 years, died, his confusion only intensified. He'd often ask about her, where she was, why she wasn't with him, and I tried not to linger on the idea of what it must feel like to be reminded that the love of your life was gone on a regular basis. But through his frequent confusion remained an undercurrent of love. He'd always say to me, over and over again, "Do you know how much I love you?" And I'd reply with, "Can't be as much as I love you."
I'm happy the final year of his life was the one where I found myself the closest to him. I had just moved abroad to London without knowing anyone, and took to calling Big John in his nursing home every day after I got off of work. Some conversations were him simply repeating the same question, others were rich and full as I recounted my days and we poured over memories. Thankfully, he never seemed to forget who I was, a luxury lost on too many.But one day, I had the tough conversation. The kind that feels inevitable when you love someone living with dementia. While many days I could excuse outbursts or push my feelings aside, that particular day, I'd been struggling and lonely, laying out my fears to the grandfather I'd always trusted and relied upon. But I caught him at a difficult moment, and he lashed out in anger, saying hateful things that only reinforced my deepest insecurities and reduced me to tears. I got off the phone wallowing in the injustice I felt toward the disease that had robbed me of the man I'd known and loved. I hated the idea that we go through life, checking off accomplishments, trying to do right, and that this time period would mark his "grand finale." There had to be more. He deserved more.
Without really knowing what I was doing, I sat down and began to write. Fictional characters rooted in my own foundation began to come to life on the page. I so badly wanted to return to my own childhood, where my grandfather was strong and healthy, that I suddenly envisioned a 6-year-old little girl, who I named Gracie. She had been told that her own grandfather — who bore a striking resemblance to mine — had a "worm" in his brain. When the sun was up, the worm was asleep, but when the sun went down, the worm woke up and made her grandfather sick. It was Gracie's mother, LeeAnn, who shared this metaphor with her, trying to shield her daughter from the painful reality of dementia, the way I wish someone could have shielded me. Looking at this disease through Gracie's innocent eyes proved to be very therapeutic. It wasn't this insurmountable thing, but simply a problem she wished to solve. Her solution was to break her grandfather out of his nursing home to "chase the sun" so that the worm would never hurt him again. It gave them one last adventure together, one I wished I could have with my own grandfather.
Seven years later, my debut novel, "Sun Seekers," was released. When I learned it was going to be published, the first thing I did was write my dedication, one I'd had in my head all along.
For my marvelous grandfather, John Dozier: Yes, I know how much you loved me.
About: Rachel McRady is an Emmy Award-winning writer for "Entertainment Tonight." She has lived in New York City and London, and currently resides in Richmond, Virginia, with her husband, Caleb, and her daughters, Iona and Isla. Rachel published her debut novel, "Sun Seekers," in 2024. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook and TikTok.