Making peace with Alzheimer’s
Dementia takes a toll on every family it touches. For the Qualls family, the arrival of Alzheimer’s disease for mother Judy at age 68 has upended the Louisville, Colorado’s family structure, turning the family’s – and neighborhood’s – caregiver into a care recipient.
For son Cody, a member of the Boulder-based Face Vocal Band a capella group, his mother’s 2018 diagnosis at age 68 has brought a combination of guilt and a developing relationship with the “new” person his mom is becoming.
“I feel like I’ve betrayed her,” Cody said. “She was there for me at every turn when I was a kid. Now I’m married and raising four kids and trying to support a family and a career, and I can’t be there in a parental role for my mom. It’s heartbreaking.”
A complicated new relationship
Cody’s sadness for his mother – and father, Bob, who has served as Judy’s primary caregiver – is complicated by the feeling that the developing dementia has, in an odd way, helped relieve Judy of some of the burden she has carried most of her life.
“My mom was a mental health nurse who also served as caregiver for many of our neighbors as I was growing up in Old Town Louisville,” said Cody. “She was always overextended. She carried a lot of unease. There was always something wrong.”
With the progression of Judy’s dementia, and the declining memory that accompanies it, Cody has seen changes in his mom.
“Now that she has Alzheimer’s, (the unease) is not there now,” he said. “To me, the Alzheimer’s has given her a bit of freedom from the inner tyrant. Mom has always been a giver. Now she’s happier…lighter than she was. In a way, Alzheimer’s is alleviating some of the baggage. It almost sounds cruel because I would never wish this disease on anyone.”
An Alzheimer’s legacy
Judy knew there was a chance Alzheimer’s might affect her. Her mother developed dementia, and Judy feared it could affect her as well.
The progression of Judy’s Alzheimer’s has made it impossible for her husband to continue caring for her at home, so the family moved her to an assisted living facility two years ago. Cody strives to maintain the connection with his mom. She still remembers him, but “she’s already forgotten my kids. Perhaps that’s a taste of what’s coming.”
A brief connection
As a career musician with more than 18 years with Face Vocal Band, Cody understands the importance of music to our memories. Recently, he danced with Judy to Patsy Cline’s “Walking After Midnight.”
“She sang every word,” said Cody. “And when I looked her in the eyes, she was there – as if all the neurons were connecting again.”
Cody sings for his mom
Every caregiver finds his or her own approach to dealing with the diagnosis of a loved one. Cody turned to his songwriting skills to describe his feelings about his mom’s progression through dementia.
“I’m looking at the tragedy of it all and letting what I can’t control fall by the wayside,” he said.
Cody performed his new song, “
Fall Away,” at the recent Boulder Walk to End Alzheimer’s for the assembled walkers that included his mother. Beyond giving him the opportunity to verbalize his own feelings, he hopes that it can raise awareness of Alzheimer’s and help other family caregivers understand that they cannot control the progression of the disease.
“I need to let this new relationship evolve and let the old one go,” he said. “I can cling to this and have more suffering – it will progress with our without me – or I can learn how to ride this wave.”
Alzheimer's Association
The Alzheimer's Association leads the way to end Alzheimer's and all other dementia — by accelerating global research, driving risk reduction and early detection, and maximizing quality care and support. Our vision is a world without Alzheimer's and all other dementia.™ For more information, visit www.alz.org or call the 24/7 Helpline at 800.272.3900.